Chapter 22 — The Kinship System: うち and そと

In Chapter 21 you encountered the giving and receiving verbs, which shift depending on who is inside and who is outside the speaker's group. You also got a brief preview of the うち/そと distinction — the idea that Japanese treats "insiders" and "outsiders" differently at every level of the language. This chapter applies that principle to one of the most concrete areas of daily life: family.

Japanese does not have one set of family vocabulary. It has two. One set is used when you talk about your own family to people outside that family. The other set is used when you talk about someone else's family — or when you address your own family members directly. This is not random. It is a system, and once you understand the logic, every term falls into place.

22.1 Two Sets of Family Terms

Every language has words for "father," "mother," "older brother," and so on. Japanese has all of these — twice.

Set 1: うち (own family) terms. These are plain, humble forms. You use them when describing your own family members to someone outside your family — a coworker, a teacher, a stranger, a friend who is not part of your household. The function of these terms is to lower your own family, presenting them modestly.

Set 2: そと (others' family) terms. These are respectful, elevated forms. You use them when talking about someone else's family members, or when addressing your own family members directly. The function of these terms is to show respect — either to the other person's family, or to your own family member in face-to-face conversation.

The principle is simple:

• Talking about your family to an outsider → use うち terms (humble)
• Talking about someone else's family → use そと terms (respectful)
• Talking to your own family member directly → use そと terms (respectful)

That third rule surprises learners. If うち terms are "your own family," why not use them when speaking to your own father? Because the うち terms are not names. They are labels you use when presenting your family to the outside world. When you speak to your father face-to-face, you are addressing him, not describing him. You call him おとうさん, the respectful form, because that is his title within the family. The うち form ちち is what you say about him to others.

This distinction is not unique to family vocabulary. It is the foundational principle of the entire Japanese politeness system. The family terms are simply the clearest, most everyday example of it.

22.2 The Complete Kinship Table

Below is the full table of family terms you need at this level. Learn both columns — they are equally important.

Pitch accent is marked with circled numbers: ⓪ indicates a flat (heiban) pattern, and ①②③ etc. indicate the mora after which the pitch drops.

Patterns in the Table

Look at the table carefully. Several patterns emerge.

Pattern 1: The そと forms are longer. In most cases, the respectful form adds お〜さん around the humble form, or adds ご〜 as an honorific prefix. This is not coincidence — adding polite prefixes and suffixes is exactly how Japanese builds respectful language throughout the grammar.

Pattern 2: Older siblings have distinct pairs; younger siblings just add さん. Your older brother is あに, but someone else's older brother is おにいさん — a completely different word shape. Your younger brother is おとうと, and someone else's younger brother is simply おとうとさん — the same word with さん added. This reflects a broader cultural pattern: older relatives receive more distinct respectful forms because seniority commands additional linguistic respect.

Pattern 3: Husband and wife have multiple うち options. For "husband," both おっと and しゅじん are used. おっと is the more neutral, modern term. しゅじん (literally "master") is traditional and still common, though some speakers now prefer おっと. For "wife," both つま and かない are available. つま is neutral. かない (literally "inside the house") is traditional. The そと forms — ごしゅじん and おくさん — remain standard regardless of which うち form you personally prefer.

Pattern 4: おじ/おば versus おじいさん/おばあさん. Be careful with these. おじ (uncle) and おじいさん (someone else's grandfather) differ by one long vowel. おば (aunt) and おばあさん (someone else's grandmother) work the same way. The vowel length distinction matters. おじさん is "your uncle" (or a middle-aged man); おじいさん is "your grandfather" (or an elderly man). Confusing them is a real mistake, not a minor slip.

22.3 When to Use Which — Detailed Rules

Rule 1: Describing your family to an outsider → うち terms

When you are speaking with someone outside your family — a colleague, a teacher, a classmate, a shopkeeper — and the topic is your own family, use the humble うち terms.

父ちちは 医者いしゃです。 "My father is a doctor."

母ははは 去年きょねん 退院たいいんしました。 "My mother retired last year."

兄あには 東京とうきょうに 住すんでいます。 "My older brother lives in Tokyo."

妹いもうとは 大学生だいがくせいです。 "My younger sister is a college student."

妻つまは 教師きょうしを しています。 "My wife works as a teacher."

In every case, you are presenting your family modestly to someone on the outside. The うち forms accomplish this.

Rule 2: Talking about someone else's family → そと terms

When the family members belong to the person you are speaking with, or to a third person you want to show respect toward, use the そと terms.

お父とうさんは お元気げんきですか。 "Is your father well?"

お母かあさんに よろしく おつたえください。 "Please give my regards to your mother."

お姉ねえさんは なにを していますか。 "What does your older sister do?"

息子むすこさんは おいくつですか。 "How old is your son?"

ご家族かぞくは 大おおきいですか。 "Is your family large?"

These そと forms elevate the other person's family, which is the respectful thing to do.

Rule 3: Addressing your own family directly → そと terms

This is the rule that catches learners off guard. When you talk to your own mother, you say おかあさん, not はは. When you call your father, you say おとうさん, not ちち.

お母さん、晩ばんごはん まだ？ "Mom, is dinner not ready yet?"

お父さん、電話でんわだよ。 "Dad, you have a phone call."

おねえちゃん、ちょっと 手伝てつだって。 "Sis, give me a hand."

(Notice おねえちゃん in the last example. Within the family, ちゃん can replace さん for a warmer, more casual tone. This is common among siblings and with younger family members.)

The reason for this rule is logical once you think about it: the うち terms are not names. They are descriptions. ちち means something like "my father (whom I am presenting humbly to you, the outsider)." You would never call someone to their face using a humble descriptor. When you address your father, you use his title — おとうさん — just as you would call a teacher せんせい to their face.

Rule 4: Context determines the set

The same person — your actual father — is referred to with two different terms depending on the conversational context.

At the office, talking to a coworker:

父ちちが 入院にゅういんしたので、今日きょうは 早はやく 帰かえります。 "My father was hospitalized, so I'm leaving early today."

At home, talking to your father:

お父とうさん、薬くすりは 飲のんだ？ "Dad, did you take your medicine?"

At a friend's house, asking about their father:

お父さんは もう 退院たいいんしましたか。 "Has your father been discharged from the hospital?"

Three sentences, three different contexts, and おとうさん appears in two of them for two different reasons — once as a form of address to your own father, and once as a respectful reference to someone else's father. The key is always: who am I talking to, and whose family member am I talking about?

22.4 Common Mistakes

Mistake 1: Using おかあさん about your own mother to an outsider

✕ お母さんは 病気びょうきです。 (talking to your teacher about your own mother) ○ 母ははは 病気です。

If you say おかあさん when describing your mother to your teacher, you are elevating your own family member in front of an outsider. This sounds wrong — roughly equivalent to calling your own mother "the esteemed Mrs. Smith" in a business meeting. The correct term is はは.

Mistake 2: Using ちち about someone else's father

✕ 田中たなかさんの 父ちちは 先生せんせいですか。 ○ 田中さんの お父とうさんは 先生ですか。

ちち is exclusively for your own father. Using it for someone else's father fails to show the expected respect.

Mistake 3: Using ちち to address your own father

✕ 父ちち、おはよう。 ○ お父とうさん、おはよう。

As discussed in Rule 3, うち terms are for describing, not for addressing.

Mistake 4: Confusing おじさん and おじいさん

おじさん = uncle (or a middle-aged man) おじいさん = grandfather (or an elderly man)

The difference is the long vowel: じ versus じい. Practice hearing and producing this distinction. It matters socially — calling someone's grandfather おじさん unintentionally makes him younger, and calling someone's uncle おじいさん unintentionally makes him much older.

22.5 The うち/そと Principle Beyond Family

The kinship system is not an isolated piece of vocabulary. It is the most visible example of a principle that runs through the entire Japanese language.

Consider what you already know:

• Giving and receiving verbs (Chapter 21): あげる (I/my group gives) versus くれる (someone gives to me/my group). The choice depends on whether the giver is うち or そと.
• Family terms (this chapter): ちち (my father, humble) versus おとうさん (your father, respectful). The choice depends on whether the family member is うち or そと.
• Business language: When referring to your own company, you say うちの 会社かいしゃ or 弊社へいしゃ (our humble company). When referring to someone else's company, you say おたくの 会社 or 貴社きしゃ (your esteemed company). Same principle.

In Stage 2, you will study the honorific system (けいご) systematically. There are three layers:

1. そんけいご (respectful language): verbs and expressions that elevate the actions of the そと person.
2. けんじょうご (humble language): verbs and expressions that lower the actions of the うち person (yourself or your group).
3. ていねいご (polite language): the ます/です forms you already use, which set the overall tone of politeness.

The family terms in this chapter correspond to the first two layers. The うち terms are a form of けんじょうご — they humble your own family. The そと terms are a form of そんけいご — they elevate the other person's family. You are already using the logic of けいご every time you choose between ちち and おとうさん.

This is why learning the family system matters beyond mere vocabulary. It trains you to think in terms of うち and そと — a habit of mind that will make the full けいご system far easier to learn when you reach it.

22.6 Reading Passage

わたしの 家族かぞく

昨日きのう、会社かいしゃで 田中たなかさんと 昼ひるごはんを 食たべました。田中さんが 「ご家族は 何人なんにんですか」と 聞きいたので、わたしは 家族の ことを 話はなしました。

「五人家族ごにんかぞくです。父ちちと 母ははと 兄あにと 妹いもうとが います。父は 銀行ぎんこうに 勤つとめています。母は 英語えいごの 教師きょうしを しています。兄は 結婚けっこんして、大阪おおさかに 住すんでいます。妹は まだ 高校生こうこうせいです。」

田中さんは 「お兄にいさんは お仕事しごとは なにを していますか」と 聞いたので、「兄は プログラマーです」と 答こたえました。

それから、わたしも 田中さんに 聞きました。「田中さんの お父とうさんは お元気げんきですか。」田中さんは 「ええ、おかげさまで。父は 毎朝まいあさ 公園こうえんを 散歩さんぽしています」と 言いいました。

面白おもしろいと 思おもいました。田中さんも 自分じぶんの お父さんの ことを 話すとき、「父」と 言いました。わたしたちは 二人ふたりとも、自分の 家族の ことを 話すとき、うちの言葉ことばを 使つかっていたのです。

Translation

Yesterday, I ate lunch with Tanaka at the office. Tanaka asked, "How many people are in your family?" so I talked about my family.

"There are five of us. I have a father, mother, older brother, and younger sister. My father works at a bank. My mother works as an English teacher. My older brother got married and lives in Osaka. My younger sister is still a high school student."

Tanaka asked, "What does your older brother do for work?" so I answered, "My older brother is a programmer."

Then I also asked Tanaka. "Is your father doing well, Tanaka?" Tanaka said, "Yes, thankfully. My father takes a walk in the park every morning."

I thought it was interesting. When Tanaka talked about his own father, he also said ちち. Both of us, when talking about our own families, were using the うち words.

Passage Notes

Pay close attention to how the two sets of terms alternate in this passage.

• When the speaker describes his own family to Tanaka: ちち、はは、あに、いもうと — all うち terms.
• When Tanaka asks about the speaker's older brother: おにいさん — the そと term, because it is the speaker's family, not Tanaka's.
• When the speaker asks about Tanaka's father: おとうさん — the そと term, because it is Tanaka's family.
• When Tanaka describes his own father: ちち — the うち term, because now Tanaka is the one describing his own family to an outsider.

The last paragraph makes the point explicitly: both speakers follow the same system. When you describe your own family to someone else, you use うち terms. When someone asks about your family, they use そと terms. The system is consistent, predictable, and automatic for native speakers.

Also notice お仕事しごと in Tanaka's question. The お prefix is a politeness marker on 仕事 (work), used here because Tanaka is asking about the speaker's brother respectfully. This is another instance of the そと principle — elevating what belongs to the other person.

Reading Passage 2 — 家族かぞくの 紹介しょうかい

Read the following passage. The speaker introduces their family at a neighborhood gathering. Pay attention to the うち/そと distinction.

今日きょう、近ちかくの 公民館こうみんかんで 集あつまりが ありました。新あたらしい 町まちに 引ひっ越こしたので、近所きんじょの 人ひとに 家族を 紹介しょうかいしました。

「はじめまして。山田やまだです。家族は 五人ごにんです。わたしと 妻つまと 子供こどもが 三人さんにんです。」

「父ちちは 東京とうきょうに 住すんでいます。八十歳はちじゅうさいですが、まだ 元気げんきです。母ははも 東京にいます。両親りょうしんは ときどき 遊あそびに きます。」

近所の 田中たなかさんが 聞ききました。「お子こさんは おいくつですか。」

「上うえの 娘むすめは 十三歳じゅうさんさいで、中学生ちゅうがくせいです。真まん中なかの 息子むすこは 十歳じゅっさいで、小学生しょうがくせいです。一番いちばん 下したの 娘は まだ 五歳ごさいです。」

田中さんは 「うちの 息子も 小学生ですよ。同おなじ 学校がっこうかもしれませんね」と 言いいました。

「そうですか。おいくつですか。」

「息子は 十一歳じゅういっさいです。四年生よねんせいです。」

「うちの 息子も 四年生です。同じ クラスかもしれませんね。」

二人ふたりで 笑わらいました。いい 町に 引っ越したと 思おもいました。

Translation

Today, there was a gathering at the nearby community center. Since we moved to a new town, I introduced my family to the neighborhood people.

"Nice to meet you. I am Yamada. My family is five people. Myself, my wife, and three children."

"My father lives in Tokyo. He is eighty years old, but still healthy. My mother is also in Tokyo. My parents come to visit sometimes."

Tanaka from the neighborhood asked, "How old are your children?"

"My oldest daughter is thirteen, a middle school student. My middle son is ten, an elementary school student. My youngest daughter is still five."

Tanaka said, "My son is also an elementary school student. They might be at the same school."

"Is that so? How old is he?"

"My son is eleven. He is in fourth grade."

"My son is also in fourth grade. They might be in the same class."

We both laughed. I thought we moved to a good town.

Notes

• 公民館こうみんかん — community center, a public hall found in most neighborhoods.
• 引ひっ越こした — past of 引ひっ越こす (to move/relocate), a 五段 verb.
• 妻つま — "my wife" (うち term). The そと equivalent for someone else's wife is 奥おくさん.
• お子こさん — "your child/children" (そと term). Tanaka uses this to ask about the speaker's children. The うち equivalent is 子供こども or 息子むすこ/娘むすめ.
• おいくつ — "how old?" A polite way to ask age, using the お prefix.
• かもしれません — "might be." A pattern expressing possibility. Treat as a set phrase for now.
• 上うえの / 真まん中なかの / 下したの — "oldest / middle / youngest," literally "upper / middle / lower."

22.7 Chapter Summary

Japanese has two complete sets of family vocabulary, not as a historical accident, but as a direct application of the うち/そと principle.

The three rules:

The logic:

• うち terms present your family modestly to the outside world.
• そと terms elevate the other person's family, or serve as titles when addressing family face-to-face.
• This is the same logic that drives the giving/receiving verbs (Chapter 21) and the entire けいご system (Stage 2).

What to memorize:

You need both columns of the kinship table. There is no shortcut. However, recognizing the patterns (お〜さん wrapping, さん addition for younger siblings, ご〜 prefix for certain terms) will help you remember them faster and will prepare you for the broader honorific patterns ahead.

Vocabulary

All new vocabulary items introduced in this chapter. Pitch accent is marked with circled numbers: ⓪ indicates a flat (heiban) pattern, and ①②③ etc. indicate the mora after which the pitch drops.

Family Terms — Own Family (うち)

Family Terms — Others' Family (そと)

Other New Words